Chris Stuckmann: Jupiter Ascending – Movie Review

Chris Stuckmann reviews Jupiter Ascending

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Quick, funny reviews of movies and games, new and old.

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30 Comments on "Chris Stuckmann: Jupiter Ascending – Movie Review"

Arwijn
Guest

There is no movie out there with ‘her’ in it that is any good, and i am convinced there never will be.

Falconfly
Guest

Sriously? You really felt the need to shove in a transphobic comment? There’s little doubt the Wachowskis aren’t good writters, but invalidating a person’s dysphoria out of spite makes you quite a disgusting person.

mr_rubino
Guest

Oh Falconfly, truly your comment will make him see the light.

Professor Schnöbelhosen
Guest
Professor Schnöbelhosen

I think ‘her’ is a reference to Mila Kunis, not Lana Wachowski.
Notice how Arwjin wrote; a movie with her IN IT.
Lana don’t have a part in it afaik.

Falconfly
Guest

I suppose one could make that argument, but I don’t buy it. One just doesn’t put “she” on brackets and not imply that the target is Lana, given how these things work.

Falconfly
Guest

*”things” as events, not people

Arwijn
Guest

I was referring to the actress. You should learn to read before criticizing 😉

Professor Schnöbelhosen
Guest
Professor Schnöbelhosen

I’ve seen both Keanue Reeve and Nicholas Cage referred to “him” occasionally on message boards, where it was meant to be a Woldemort/He who must no be named kinda joke.

Ivo Heron
Guest

She is not the reason this movie was bad.

Arwijn
Guest

True, but i belive it’s not a coincidence either 😉

MasterMarkus
Guest

Why does Sean Bean do so many bad films? It’s been years and I want to watch my goddamn Sean Bean again!

MidnightScreeningsman2014
Guest
MidnightScreeningsman2014

I really still wanna see Jupiter Ascending.Despite your D+ rating I just wanna see how insane and how stupid it is. Wasn’t Mila Kunis hot though I thought she looked hot in the trailers and would really like to know your opinion on how hot she is or if she’s just plain ugly to you.

Mulvi
Guest

So another poorly written movie with boring characters from the Wachowskis, not a surprise for anyone anymore. Oh well, I will probably end up seeing this at some point. lol

RealEquality
Guest

Did you watch the TV series Legends?
Sean Bean is very good in it

hafaball
Guest

What is the sudden rush of terrible movies with Oscar nominees? Seventh son with Julianne Moore, Eddie Redmayne in this, Reese Witherspoon in Hot Pursuit (which just looks really crappy). Any other movies coming out to make it a 4-peat?

As for the movie, I also want to see it, just to see how bad it really is 😛

Eyeshot
Guest

Aw, now I’m sad because I missed this on opening weekend. I loved seeing Breaking Dawn Pt 2 in a theater because I heard a fangirl cry out, “What!?” at the ending plot twist. Hearing people laugh at stupid romantic dialogue holds a thrill for me. Hmm, maybe I should see a psychiatrist.

Getterkuma
Guest

I kinda liked the movie.

lobsterzoidberg
Guest

I dunno. I thought this movie was kind of awesome, yet kind of crappy.

What are you gonna do?

Hardin
Guest

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Kata
Guest

You means ‘divulged’? Yeah I think he meant ‘diverted’ or ‘devolved’.

angel85
Guest

SWEET Jet Force Gemini poster in the background! I loved that game.

Brad1ey Shaw
Guest

Thanks Chris. You just saved me the cost of admission for this movie.

Go watch Sponge Bob. It was the best thing that opened last weekend. It wasn’t the greatest thing ever, but I wasn’t bored watching it. Lots of great voice talent and Antonio Banderas did well too.

YouAskedForIt
Guest

RE: What you said near the end of the video.

I think modern review standards of movies beg the question as to whether a movie should be based on an e u.

I went to the first X-Files movie because I had been watching the show. I didn’t particularly mind how they introduced the characters in the movie.

AbeRockwell
Guest

For me, the whole “Sci-Fi DMV” scene was a severe left turn, first I’m watching a Space Opera and next I’m watching “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”

What this reminded me most of, though, was someone who saw the movie “Jodorowsky’s Dune” and tried to make their own version of it (and came damn close, visually at least ^_^)

Professor Schnöbelhosen
Guest
Professor Schnöbelhosen
Jupiter ascending os visually extremely impressive, filled with a lot of the classic sci fi elements; decadent intergalactic familydynasties, treacherous bountyhunters, bizarre aliens, badass genetically modified elite troopers, weird alien tech, a amazing world building, a epic soundtrack and a lot of interesting ideas. Unfortunately the majority of these interesting ideas and concepts are mentioned occasionally, but then dropped because of another (admittedly impressive) action scene, and then never referred to again. Inspirationwise we’re talking the old flash gordon movies, terry gilliam, Dune, Star Wars/Trek, Matrix, Blade Runner, Enders Game, 40K, and Star craft Unfortunately it all boils down to… Read more »
cbot1
Guest

will wait for an extended blu-ray of some kind… hoping it’ll be better from the director’s cut

TooMuchFreeTime
Guest

It’s got cool flashy effects and and DRAGON PEOPLE so I’m probably at least going to have to check it out when it makes it to the discount theater.

CyborgPrince
Guest

Ah, the Wachowskis. Still focusing more on visuals than story I see.

Katicus
Guest

I don’t mean to be an asshole, but I think you might mean “devolve” when you keep using “divulge.” It wouldn’t bother me except that you make the same mistake 2 or 3 times within a fairly short video.

AdamFoidart
Guest

Sounds like it could be good for some laughs on home video.

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