Chris Stuckmann: Jupiter Ascending – Movie Review

Chris Stuckmann reviews Jupiter Ascending

About ChrisStuckmann

Quick, funny reviews of movies and games, new and old.


  1. There is no movie out there with ‘her’ in it that is any good, and i am convinced there never will be.

  2. Why does Sean Bean do so many bad films? It’s been years and I want to watch my goddamn Sean Bean again!

  3. MidnightScreeningsman2014

    I really still wanna see Jupiter Ascending.Despite your D+ rating I just wanna see how insane and how stupid it is. Wasn’t Mila Kunis hot though I thought she looked hot in the trailers and would really like to know your opinion on how hot she is or if she’s just plain ugly to you.

  4. So another poorly written movie with boring characters from the Wachowskis, not a surprise for anyone anymore. Oh well, I will probably end up seeing this at some point. lol

  5. What is the sudden rush of terrible movies with Oscar nominees? Seventh son with Julianne Moore, Eddie Redmayne in this, Reese Witherspoon in Hot Pursuit (which just looks really crappy). Any other movies coming out to make it a 4-peat?

    As for the movie, I also want to see it, just to see how bad it really is 😛

  6. Aw, now I’m sad because I missed this on opening weekend. I loved seeing Breaking Dawn Pt 2 in a theater because I heard a fangirl cry out, “What!?” at the ending plot twist. Hearing people laugh at stupid romantic dialogue holds a thrill for me. Hmm, maybe I should see a psychiatrist.

  7. I kinda liked the movie.

  8. I dunno. I thought this movie was kind of awesome, yet kind of crappy.

    What are you gonna do?

  9. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

  10. SWEET Jet Force Gemini poster in the background! I loved that game.

  11. Thanks Chris. You just saved me the cost of admission for this movie.

    Go watch Sponge Bob. It was the best thing that opened last weekend. It wasn’t the greatest thing ever, but I wasn’t bored watching it. Lots of great voice talent and Antonio Banderas did well too.

  12. RE: What you said near the end of the video.

    I think modern review standards of movies beg the question as to whether a movie should be based on an e u.

    I went to the first X-Files movie because I had been watching the show. I didn’t particularly mind how they introduced the characters in the movie.

  13. For me, the whole “Sci-Fi DMV” scene was a severe left turn, first I’m watching a Space Opera and next I’m watching “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”

    What this reminded me most of, though, was someone who saw the movie “Jodorowsky’s Dune” and tried to make their own version of it (and came damn close, visually at least ^_^)

  14. Professor Schnöbelhosen

    Jupiter ascending os visually extremely impressive, filled with a lot of the classic sci fi elements; decadent intergalactic familydynasties, treacherous bountyhunters, bizarre aliens, badass genetically modified elite troopers, weird alien tech, a amazing world building, a epic soundtrack and a lot of interesting ideas.
    Unfortunately the majority of these interesting ideas and concepts are mentioned occasionally, but then dropped because of another (admittedly impressive) action scene, and then never referred to again.

    Inspirationwise we’re talking the old flash gordon movies, terry gilliam, Dune, Star Wars/Trek, Matrix, Blade Runner, Enders Game, 40K, and Star craft
    Unfortunately it all boils down to one loooong “damsel in distress” story with the incompetent helpless cardboard thin main character in need of being saved every 15 minutes or so.

    The one major flaw that breaks this movie, it’s that’s the target audience seem to be the worst kind of tweens.
    That’s something that not even a timeless classic like Dune could have endured …

  15. will wait for an extended blu-ray of some kind… hoping it’ll be better from the director’s cut

  16. It’s got cool flashy effects and and DRAGON PEOPLE so I’m probably at least going to have to check it out when it makes it to the discount theater.

  17. Ah, the Wachowskis. Still focusing more on visuals than story I see.

  18. I don’t mean to be an asshole, but I think you might mean “devolve” when you keep using “divulge.” It wouldn’t bother me except that you make the same mistake 2 or 3 times within a fairly short video.

  19. Sounds like it could be good for some laughs on home video.

Leave a Reply