If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? – Cinema Snob

It’s an anti-communism scare film that is so bizarre it makes Ms Velma look like Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

The Cinema Snob’s Unerotic Fantasies, Uncut & Uncensored, is out now on DVD

About thecinemasnob

Brad Jones portrays The Cinema Snob, a pretentious film snob who is stuck with reviewing Z-Grade exploitation flicks of the past. I'm a big guy. For you.

18 comments

  1. My God…I’ve been waiting for this.

  2. MidnightScreeningsman2014

    This movie seems like a more anti Christian movie than anything givin it kills lots and lots of Christians. Good review as always!!

  3. O.0 Heh….well. Wonder how much abuse he suffered as a kid?

    Oh well, time to buy the new Cinema Snob DVD! No black boxes! YIPPEE!

  4. The title of this movie sounds like a rejected question from Ask That Guy with the Glasses, and the entire movie is the answer to that question.

    6:26- I actually remember waking up at 5 in the morning, …WHEN I WAS IN ELEMENTARY, MIDDLE, AND HIGH SCHOOL!

    7:53- Yeah, if I were at a meeting where is starts with “When communists invade the United States,” I would think “Are you fuckin’ serious?”

    10:09- Nice Friends reference, Brad. For those who don’t get the joke, watch this clip:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdK6LVDI3kg

    Is there a Christian film out there that does NOT say that everything leads to sex? Speaking as a Christian myself, I can tell you that that’s so not true.

    19:15- Now tell us what happens when you force feed the guy cinnamon.

    20:50- Don’t you mean SATURDAY EVENINGS, asshole? Also, if you go to church on Saturday evenings, you don’t necessarily have to go on Sunday mornings.

    24:00- Okay, this scene is more bloody (and more ridiculous) than that scene of Horrifying Experiments of the SS Last Days where Nazis throw a baby in the air and shoot it with a machine gun.

    It’s so nice to see a review about a movie that only Fox News would approve.

  5. Fuck yeah Bob’s Burgers! Also, Jesus Christ, I’m pretty sure this film has more dead kids than the video game Corpse Party (and that game starts off with the brutal murder of three children!)

  6. European and even most Asian Communists or all true Communists are the most humane of all human people.

    • Hmmmm…. writing from modern Russia…. Yea, well, all of our “humane” communists constructed ideal anti-kapitalist economy, which led to USSR’s end, strong anti-westernism, xenophobe and populist ideology of “Take everything from people who earn money and give it to everyone else”
      Asian communists? You mean autocratic rejime in China? Oppresion of opposition? No social help AT ALL.
      Oh… and communists in Europe (and US btw) that praised Stalin in 1933-1953 were really very “humane”…. Our leaders called them “Useful idiots”, I think you know this definition too.

      See articles about russian modern opposition (White Ribbon movement for example) – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_opposition. It is mostly right-liberal . On the other hand – leftists are mostly goverment supporters (exept anarchist). So when in USA and Europe “humane” intellectuals are mostly “left-liberal” in our contry they are “right-liberal”.

      The most obvious difference between opposition and pro-goverment – Crimea and Ukraine crisis. Do you think that communist’s and leftists support (CPRF and Just Russia in parlament) of invade in Ukraine counts as “humane”?

      I am not telling you, that “communists” are monsters, I just want to say, that EVERY ideology has its extremes, and naming “communism” most humane in general – is not fair to millions of dead people and psycologically ruined country.

      Oh, and great review as always Brad! =)

      From Russia with love. As always – sorry for any mistakes.

  7. I know this is a stupid Christian exploitative shitty z-grade film The Extreme Left Wing Communist party overall was historically was never like the Extreme Right Wing barbaric militaristic “live to kill” Fascist or especially German Nazi party remember that Brad, Also most Russians in Russia are normal Greek Orthodox Christians. Also in fact Roman Catholic and Greek Orthodox Church and Jewish Synagouges with Socialism with some Communism together would have made the world Earth a better freer place to live I believe because Capitalist Imperialist Americans should not have a monopoly on deciding Earthly Liberty just because we were the first to preach Republican Democracy although the British did it first halfway with Monarchy. Anyway I would love to hear horses bark like dogs sign me up for the Hammer and Sickle and Red Star.

    • mate ever thought of becoming a minister 🙂 I’m sure you can invent a new christian sect and convince thousands of people to join, heck if you’re this good you can even dance with bears like others do with snakes while preying :).
      but for real now, I live in a X-comi country( in eastern EU) trust me during communism we had restricted liberty true but everyone learned to appreciate the grater things in life, also at age 18 if you weren’t enrolled in uni you would be sent to 1 year or mandatory military duty and then sent back and if after that you weren’t enrolled in any Uni, you would get a job given by the state(granted it wasn’t the best job, it being mostly grunt work, but a job non the less) also newly weds would get an apartment from the state. now 26 years later we have liberty and access to every good and bad thing in the world, but we lost the appreciation for the finer things in life and we have mass unemployment and subsequently almost no money to afford what we once had. Also seams democracy Imo is massively overrated just as Communism is underrated…make of that what you will.

  8. Did you know Jesus was originally a early Communist.

  9. ? Yeah I forgot the question mark for my enthuisasm.

  10. Who the fuck resurrected Joseph Goebbals to make this shit film?

  11. It is like the makers of this film have found the corpse of the National Socialist Minister of Propaganda Josef Goebbals and other Nazis and probably secretly used them as puppets to inspire them to make this film to show that we Russians and by extention the first practical Communists were subhuman beasts but that was the fact in 1943-45, even if we did rape some German women in former East Prussia now our Russian territory Kaliningrad in which most ordinary Russians would never believe that because you know we pride in our humanity no matter what government, that was still uncomparable to Nazi Germans doing exactly the same things in this “movie,” makes me understand that Mid-Western Americans in the 1970s were like Nazi German believers than even honest Protestant Christians, Estes Perkel must have been working with Charles Manson and Dr. Josef Mengele (The Waffen SS torturer and experimenter on Jewish peoples from Auschwitz Death Camp) or something when he made this film which I know nobody really saw this anyway in the USA.

  12. Seemed to have glossed over the fact that Judy’s boyfriend apparently dropped her off at her mother’s funeral and refused to come in because he’s not Christian.

  13. Replace Communists with Muslims and you have the present day- to the point where people are hysterically commenting about the “Islamic INVADERS” who will come impose Sharia law on us… under an article about Mexican immigrants.

    Actually, replace Communists with anyone not white and Christian. If anything, things are worse than during the Red Scare.

  14. I have not yet watched the video, but that won’t stop me from being highly offended at the title!

    To imply that men with foot fetishes will move to horses or any other sort of bestiality out of boredom is just bigotry and conjecture.

    Clearly, this is not a politically correct 70sploitation film, which is where I draw the line!

  15. 01:45 Yeah, how do you compete with horses? If I’m not wrong an average horse can be about 40 km/h fast and can keep this speed up for a while. An average human could never reach that speed without extensive training and they couldn’t keep it up for long either. So… yo can’t compete with horses. Ever. Sort of. I forgot where I wanted to go with that.

    04:00 I just like to imagine how he got chosen to direct this movie. I mean, where they looking over his resumeé and said “yep, the guy who appearently made a gorilla porno would be perfect to adapt this book by a baptist preacher”

    05:30 These extras don’t seem like they know how they’re meant to act. Stop grinning kid!

    09:50 That sounds less like sex ed and more like a pop up ad.

    10:20 I did in fact. The one show with the fat kid in the pink shirt corrupts our youth into becoming gay and commit the atrocious act of race mixing.

    10:55 Jesus? Cartoons? Jesus? Cartoons?…. CARTOONS!!!

    13:22 Is that a map of the easter mediterrainian sea and its sorrounding nations? Why? Shouldn’t that be a map of the US?

    Knowing people who have lived under communist reign I can tell you that the worst part is still the lack of bananas. But seriously this was bizarre. I would expect a movie like that from the 50s but not the 70s. Not to imply that I thought during the 70s Americans where less fearful of communism though.

  16. It is at least a little odd to me that Brad has been so focused on these religious agitprop films lately, but it’s not as though they’re that far outside his norm.

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