Jupiter Ascending – Nostalgia Critic

You know Wachowskis…COME ON! Check out the Nostalgia Critic’s review the 2015 movie, Jupiter Ascending.

About Doug Walker

Creator of 5 Second Movies, Nostalgia Critic, Bum Reviews and more.

393 comments

  1. Awesome I’m first I wonder what you really think of baby geniuses

  2. Sweet review!

  3. Cloud Atlas was a book!

  4. Heart-Lightning

    Didn’t even go to see this movie. I think the last time I saw a movie from those brothers was Speed Racer and at least that was colorful.

    • I didn’t see Speed Racer because 1. I never watched the show, and 2. It looked to colorful and flashy according to the trailer. The last movie I saw that the Wachoski’s were involved with was V for Vedetta, based on the Alan Moore graphic novel, and that was a good movie.

      • …..Wow dude, you got some bad tastes if you think Wachowskis’ V for Vendetta was a proper send-off to the comic. Natalie Portman did not play as Evie, she played as Natalie Portman. Evie had no character, and therefore no arc or development. From the get-go she was always bored or mildly weirded out by her interactions with V, and didn’t seem to take anything he did seriously or LEARN anything from him. Evie’s character was actually dumb as hell for nearly 2/3 of the story, because she was a simple woman whom had little wonder for the world or the layers of corruption that gripped the city and put her trust more in strong men that would take care of her than herself. That was the whole reason why V locked her up in the first place, because he wanted to open her eyes to the fact that she’d imprisoned -herself- her entire life. The time she spends in prison, one of the most important parts of the entire story, had absolutely no point in the movie because there were no before/after versions of Evie. She was the exact same through the entire movie. Seriously, the movie and comic are both pretty old, but if you were to power through them both this entire weekend, you’d see how badly the Wachowskis screwed that movie up.

        • In fairness, he/she didn’t say it was a good send-off (though I think it’s a bit dickish to attack someone’s tastes like this regardless). All they said was it was a good movie. A movie can be spectacular while being a bad adaptation—just look at Princess Bride, or Neverending Story, or Wizard of Oz.

      • Speed Racer is under rated as a cute and wild film, with a lot of heart. It is a simple film where the simple flat characters, exposition and philosophizing sort of helps the frenetic tone. It is literally about how much fun it is to race cars. Even though the industry is corrupt and the characters are in hot water. And the Action is so gorgeous in a world of shaky cam rip of where every hero looks like Jason Bourne. It proves that CGI has more potential then drab green screen, digital matte painting and brown monsters (BROWN IS REALISTIC)
        But if you want a YA novel instead of a simple cartoon or complicated zen morality tale, you have to keep the exposition to a minimum. The plot doesn’t have to be simple to be streamlined.

  5. You mean “Willis Tower.”

  6. In what way is this movie nostalgic?

    • Because the Wachowski’s worked on it, and people are nostalgic for their work on the Matrix trilogy.

    • ReaderGamerSinger

      Ah, Jupiter Ascending. I remember it like it was a few months ago

    • Where we’re you two years ago when he established he would be doing recent movies too?

    • The number of science fiction cliches means that it can be compared to the greater pantheon of bad movies in the same genre. Which he did with the League of good actors… something-something. Not all of Nostalgia is looking back on things, but looking at new things in the context of the past.

      Just look at “Adventure Time” and “Regular Show” which have weir nostalgic vibes with technology, references, and worlds that are strange but poke at the childish parts of our brains.

  7. This movie was released 3 months ago… you’re really stretching the Nostalgia name here….

    • At the end of the Demo Reel finale “The Review Must Go On”, the NC has no more time limits on movies.

      • To be more specific, his argument for doing recent movies is “If you’re seeing something after it came out in theaters, doesn’t that technically make it nostalgic?”

        I won’t lie: It’s a really weak bit of reasoning. Frankly, Doug should have changed his character’s name.

    • He reviewed Man of Steel two weeks after it was released on DVD and Blu-ray.

  8. 14:22: I wish Mila Kunis would take her shirt off.

  9. Jupiter Ascending! When scientology makes to much sense. 😀

  10. Yeah, that movie’s a torture to sit through…

    • my mother is twilight fan and even she couldn’t through this

    • Even the Bush Administration in the heyday of “enhanced interrogations” would cringe at the taught of using forced screenings of this film on our worst enemies as a means to get information out of them, regardless of how effective it might be! It gives Dick “Darth” Cheney the shivers!

  11. I haven’t see a Wachowski movie since Matrix Revolutions and their recent track record isn’t exactly making me come back.

    How the mighty have fallen..

  12. THE CINEMATIC MIND

    This is one film I knew straight away was going to be a Nostalgia Critic Review, but not that quick! Nice one!

  13. ReaderGamerSinger

    I love Eddie Redmayne’s performance in this movie, I had never laughed in the theaters that much until I saw him…Wait, HE WAS MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY?

  14. Even though ‘Im a sci-fi fan, I never saw this film, and that’s mostly because of the reviews of it.

    • From what I’ve seen in the trailers and TV spots for this movie, Jupiter Ascending is NOTHING like Star Wars Episode I.

      6:29- I would like to play “Try to Care,” but I gave up just as I first saw these so called bounty hunters. The bounty hunters from Star Wars look like they have more dignity that these two people.

      Eddie Redmayne in this movie sounds like he had a sore throat during this film’s production, and he tried to clear it up by drinking a bunch of cold medicine every day before arriving on set.

      You forgot to mention the scenes in Chicago from the last two Transformers movies. Also, the speeder chase in Star Wars Episode II was NOT a rip-off The Fifth Element. There weren’t any police vehicles in Attack of the Clones.

      The name “Jupiter Jones” almost sounds like a name that a porn star would give herself. Just make your first name after you favorite planet in the solar system, and your last name after that of your favorite Harrison Ford character, and BOOM, porn name.

      Channing Tatum was more relatable and badass in the G.I. Joe and 21 Jump Street movies than this 12 piece bucket of fried boredom.

      Wichowskis, …Why in the love of Hell are you repeating the exact same goddamn thing you’ve been doing in this movie? And please, say anything BUT reach the movie’s runtime to past 2 hours.

      Malcolm looks awesome as Skeletor.

      I never thought Mila Kunis would go any lower than she did working with Seth “Murderer of Comedy” MacFarlane, but here it is. I was thinking about seeing this movie if I heard good things about it, but since I never heard much of it, and saw it’s rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I passed on it.

      • So is that where Venus Williams got her name? (Harrison Ford played a “William Jones” in “Age of Adeline”, though that was too recent for her to be named after him. Does it have to be a Harrison Ford role? Maybe it’s just pick one of the most common last names in the English language instead…)

  15. Why do I have a feeling that this movie will be a cult classic?

    • Because it probably will. It will be in the ironic way, though.

    • it has a decent following on tumblr from women, particularly those who tend to be social justice bloggers. I guess because it has a female lead and they can also giggle and oggle over Chaning Tatum and Eddie Redmayne? Or something? idk. I think some of them know it’s a garbage movie, but like it anyways. I don’t really understand it.

        • Because it’s a sci-fi epic that has a female lead and respects her despite her being non-physical and out of her depth. It’s extremely refreshing.

          • sophronia_chaos

            What Nonsuch42 said. It’s possible to appreciate the actually fucking decent treatment of a female lead while understanding that from a technical standpoint, Jupiter Ascending is not a good movie. It’s a fun kind of bad.

          • sophronia_chaos

            Also even if I weren’t a lesbian, Channing Tatum looks like a potato to me

          • But isn’t she totally a damsel in distress?

          • Yes, in fact half the movie she spent being capture, being rescue, being re capture and being resecue. At no point does she actual contribute to getting herself out of the fix she in. If anything this movie should be what most woman hate. A female lead that contribute less then sleeping beauty. I am of course being harsher than i need to be but it channing tatum character should had put on a white armor and name charm.

          • Marveryn – no, that’s completely unfair and inaccurate. For example, you say:

            “At no point does she actual contribute to getting herself out of the fix she in.”

            I suppose you missed the entire final act? The final act where Jupiter knees Balem in the balls to free herself (a magical moment), moves her family members to safety while a battle is raging, climbs a tower to escape the destruction and ultimately defeats Balem in one-to-one combat after being savagely beaten. How is that doing or contributing nothing?

            And of course Jupiter needs help to survive. She’s completely out of her depth and has almost no skills or resources to draw upon – she saves herself whenever she’s in a situation that makes it possible for her to do so (as at the end of the film).

            The film respects Jupiter for her good qualities – her empathy, kindness and courage – and doesn’t shame her for lacking more traditionally heroic qualities (physical strength, stoicism). That, for me, makes JA a very rare and special film.

        • Most people on tumblr I know (Myself include) it love it because it’s just so terrible and hilarious because of it.

          I mean Sean Bean has bee powers… why not watch it.

      • So, Jupiter Ascending is kind of like the sci-fi version of Twilight?

        • sophronia_chaos

          Last time I checked, Jupiter Ascending doesn’t present an emotionally abusive relationship as normal and healthy, so no. And many Twilight fans think Twilight is actually good. Most Jupiter Ascending fans can acknowledge its flaws while still enjoying it, especially the main character.

          • I think Jupiter Ascending is a good, albeit flawed, film. You can love a film and genuinely think it’s good while still accepting that it has problems – no film is entirely perfect. I can only imagine that a flawless film would be rather boring – the rough edges make the film in many cases.

      • I figured it has a following because it sounds like a 12-year-old’s fanfic. What with the wish-fulfillment fantasy and the half-animal people. I mean, Channing Tatum (a half-wolf man) even grows WINGS at the end.

        • This is why I love it, personally. It’s kind of the Conan the Barbarian of girly movies. Silly, over-the-top, objectively terrible, but it just pushes all those delightful buttons of your inner, gleeful kid.
          And for women, that kind of movie is so very rare. We tend to equate “female wish fulfillment” with romance, so seeing it in ACTION SCI-FI is just cool. So hell yeah it deserves a cult following!

    • Whenever a film ends up blowing a ton of money and is critically panned, it usually eventually develops a cult following for one reason or another.

  16. Great work Doug for pounding this piece of crap. Also lots of great jokes as well, though I was a tad disappointed you didn’t find a Family Guy voice clip for the “Shut Up Meg” part.

  17. First. and Of Course we’d be in one of your episodes. Just curious, are you determined to keep pissing of Warner Bros. and make sure your youtube channel never sees another upload again? Because I say, FIGHT THE POWER!

  18. always love your reviews, even of movies i like!
    You should review Escape From Tomorrowland

  19. I heard of this movie, but never saw it. It seems like one of the most boring you’ve ever done. Wouldn’t Amanda Miller beat you up for dissing Sailor Moon? Dante Basco tried and you love Avatar! Dang, there were a lot of pop culture references in this one. Superman Returns is still better than Man Of Steel.

    • Why do you think Superman Returns is still better than Man Of Steel?

      • Well, according to Rotton Tomatoes, Superman Returns has a higher rating than Man of Steel. As much as I like Superman, I still find Man of Steel more entertaining and more kickass, mostly because we haven’t seen Superman fight anyone in live action movies since Nuclear Man in Superman IV.

        • even thought I like both superman movies (don’t judge me) I like Man of Steel more than Superman Returns because like SpeedyEric said we finally get to see Superman fight toe to toe with another villain in Modern times.

  20. Why are MRA’s bad but feminists good? They are both the same sexist bullshit

    • Well he actually didn’t say feminists are good but thanks for playing the internet’s favorite game, “Project My Own Insecurity on Internet Pop Reviewers!”

      • Half the producers on this site are feminists. Doug clearly has no problem with them.

        • The opening does suggest Doug does take issue to the social justice agenda of forced diversity where non-white characters must represent the entirety of their races, a sentiment I honestly side heavily with. From what I know Doug runs this place neutral so it’s not so much whether Doug has a problem with them rather than it’s out of his field of interest.

          Anyways, I like how the reviews have gotten lighter on sketches and how said sketches are more to the point than before. Feels less bloated that way.

      • Apparently you don’t know what a feminist is…. anyone who thinks women should be equal to men is a feminist.

        • Actually a true feminist doesn’t impose labels on others and lets them decide if they want to call themselves feminists or not, as long as they respect others.

          And how ironic that this Nazi-like ideology is spouted by someone with HITLER in their nickname.

          • Kinda beat me to it, forcing ideologies on someone is an awfully fascist thing to do.

            Also, If you’re looking for equality, might I suggest an ideology that doesn’t include people who, to name a few:

            -Think men are incomplete women (Valerie Solanas)
            -Want to see all men suffer (Andrea Dworkin)
            -Think all heterosexual sex is rape (Dworkin, Mckinnon)
            -Think any woman who has sex with a man is a traitor to their gender (Sheila Jeffreys)
            -Who only want power to hurt men (Sharon Stone)
            -Who want to reduce men to a proportion of 1:10 (sally miller gearhart)
            -Think men are incapable of compassion (Barbara Jordan)

            And before you throw the “not all feminists” bullshit, these are people who’s books are taught in gender studies courses, these people ARE modern feminism.

          • Viredae, you’re quoting several people who have literally been dead for decades. How is that “modern feminism”?

          • Like seriously, no feminist I’ve ever spoken to believes any of those things. Those are outrageous nutball ideas. I could talk about civil rights activists who want to scientifically eradicate the white race (technically an idea that a real person has posited), but that in no way would be representative of the vast majority of people who are in favor of civil rights. You’re latching onto extremists that hardly anyone but you even remembers, and frankly it’s intellectually dishonest.

    • Because hating on feminism is now popular due to GG while MRAs still get away with bullshit.

      • Hating on feminism was popular way before GG. I’d say it started when S.C.U.M. feminists started popping up. As for the internet anti-feminism, somewhere between Atheist+ and Big Red.

      • No honey, it’s popular to hate on feminists because now the internet exists and all the bullshit committed in the name of feminism is plain and clear.

        In a contest of who’s a more horrible monster, feminists win by a landslide these days.

        • Are you calling me a horrible monster? I’m a feminist. Are you calling my feminist friends, who include kind, intelligent, and thoughtful men and women, horrible monsters?

          Because I take issue with that. Seriously, dude, think about what you’re saying and that you’re throwing out insults at real people who have never done a damn thing to you.

          • I'mVeryAngryIt'sNotButter

            The term “feminist” has long since been poisoned by those with extremist ideologies. At one point, it may have meant “one who seeks to make the male and female genders socially equal”, but these days, everyone conflates feminism with misandry.

            We could invent a new term to describe true feminists, but that would only be a quick fix. Eventually, the new term would be corrupted as well.

            The way I see it, the only recourse is to stop dignifying assholes like Valerie Solanas, Sharon Stone, and Barbara Jordan with even vaguely polite labels like “extremist feminist” or “women’s rights activist”, and call them what they really are: man-haters.

          • So, are you against feminists describing all MRAs or anti-feminists as woman-haters?

          • Like I said further up though, almost nobody, including those who identify as feminist, has even heard those quotes from Sharon Stone or Barbara Jordan (I like to think I’m pretty well-informed, and I certainly hadn’t). I knew who Valerie Solanas was, but I would wager that a majority of people who identify as feminist couldn’t tell you who she was. This stuff is super obscure even to feminists, to the point where you would need to be deliberately looking for man-hating quotes to even encounter them.

            If virulent man-hating speech is that obscure, what makes you think the majority of feminists agree with it?

          • Re: Sunchet. Honestly, that is tough to answer for me, because I can say with all honesty that I have never encountered anyone in real life who identifies as an MRA, and I have never encountered anyone online who identifies as an MRA or anti-feminist who did not also say some very misogynistic things.

            I do believe there are plenty of people who are in favor of fair custody rights and who have strong opinions about circumcision, child soldiers, the draft, prison rape, rampant incarceration, and other issues that disproportionately impact men. But I haven’t really seen MRA’s or anti-feminists who are in that group, and many feminists would also share those opinions.

            I am an atheist, but I believe that most outspoken atheists are very mean-spirited, nasty people. Sometimes it’s not that an ideology is inherently wrong (certainly I and most other people agree that men should have the same rights as women), but it’s that groups centered around the ideology, for one reason or another, inherently attract the wrong kind of people. Whether you believe that sentiment applies to feminists is your business, but I wholeheartedly believe it applies to MRA’s and anti-feminists.

          • Valierie:
            Wow, you answered much sooner than I expected. Well, if you’ll read this, I recommend you two tumblr blogs that helped me shaped my opinions: siryouarebeingmocked and jalopyrustbucket. I also suggest do-feminists-kno.

          • There is a difference between 3rd wave radical tumblr feminists and real 1st wave feminists. The real ones who are still alive are now MRAs. Look up Christina Hoff Sommers and Erin Pizzey.
            And yes, there is a difference between men who claim to be MRA due to bitterness or rejection and ones who are real, just like there is a difference between real feminists and man-haters.
            Unfortunately, feminism became fully dominated by the man-hating group after infighting in which the real ones like Christina Hoff Sommers won debates while fake ones forced themselves into academic and political positions while simultaneously organizing book burnings(The War against boys) and disrupting any discussions of men’s rights(too many to name one example) and kicking out paying customers out of the booth they paid for(Caligary Expo and the Honey Badgers), making an accomplished astronaut cry over a shirt and several other things that I can’t even list.

            A Voice For Men and Honey Badger Brigide are real MRA.

          • “First wave feminists” were the ones who campaigned for suffrage. You’re talking about “second wave feminists”, who are largely white middle class women who like to bitch that feminism isn’t about them anymore. Your evidence that MRAs aren’t hate groups is Christina Hoff Sommers? The woman who thinks that having sex with drunk girls isn’t rape and who thinks it’s okay to call anyone who disagrees with her “crazy”. I watched an interview with her in which she modern feminism is dominated by women who are depressed and want attention. So if you disagree with Christina Hoff Sommers, you are not just wrong, but mentally ill. Also, people who are depressed and mentally ill can’t be apart of a movement or have valid opinions because they’re crazy!

            Second wave feminists are the ones infantilizing women for not agreeing with them. Second wave feminists have been patronizing millennial women for not supporting Hillary Clinton and instead supporting Bernie Sanders, accusing them of doing it to impress boys. That is definitely a group of people we should be listening to.

            I watched a video made by A Voice for Men. It was filled with MRA women laughing about how it’s okay for men to have sex with drunk women. They were actively mocking the girl from Steubenville who was not only raped, but had her rape recorded and broadcasted to her peers. I really take the women of A Voice for Men seriously when they delight in mocking and blaming rape victims for their own attacks. Definitely not a hate group because it’s women hating other women!

            Christina Hoff Sommers is a hateful human being who got the rights she wanted and thinks women should shut the fuck up if they don’t agree with her. Actually, that’s all second-wave feminists. Third-wave feminists thought it might be okay for transwomen, poor women, and women of color to demand rights, but women like Sommers told those women to shut the fuck up and stop being depressed man hating cry babies. She herself likes to compare arguing for feminism to women is like raping them. This woman is your example of a reasonable MRA?

            I did visit A Voice for Men once and it was a bunch of articles about women being evil. I was not biased at the time, I was curious because I kept having a male friend bring them up in conversations. I guess I became biased when they only wanted to whine about whores forcing them to pay child support.

            What rights do men need exactly that women are denying them? Congress is mostly men. CEOs are mostly men. Judges are mostly men. Yet, according to Christina Hoff Sommers and her MRA ilk it’s the women oppressing men! How in the hell are women doing that when they have so little political power? Is academia so influential that corporations and government are both under it’s thumb? If so, why aren’t there more women in leadership positions? Is it because women are devious puppet masters who reject real power and prefer to manipulate behind the stage? Oh, no these are a minority of women. Who have managed to convince the majority of women to go along with them because women are stupid.

            I’ve listened to the men and women of MRAs. The men like to blame whores for everything, the women like to argue that women are simultaneously deserving of equality but too stupid to form their own opinions.

            MRAs never argue for rights that they want without making it about women. Are they upset about the draft because it’s wrong? No, it’s wrong because men are the only ones being drafted! It’d be more fair if women were also drafted! Are they upset about the disproportionately harsh sentencing men face in criminal trials compared to women? No, they want women to have the same harsh sentences! Are they upset about men disproportionately going into high-risk low-paid positions while women tend to pursue white-collar positions? No, they want women to lose their desire for those positions and to instead pursue things like construction work! Even though these are the same people who typically point out that men have more physical strength than women and are thus better suited for the position. I guess it’s easier to get a job if you remove half of the population from the market.

            Do they want better birth control options for men? No, they want to be able to sever child support on demand (even though women don’t have that right) and/or force women to continue or terminate a pregnancy! I know what you’re thinking, women can get abortions or put their children up for adoption without the father’s permission. Actually, abortion is healthcare, sorry men. It’s not fair but alas, the pregnancy is in the woman so you’re going to have to accept the difference in biology. You’re stronger, she holds fetuses. Life’s not fair to any of us. And for adoption, that’s illegal. Women cannot give their child up for adoption without the father. It happens, but it makes for an invalid adoption.

            Then there’s the fact that MRAs are actually considered to be hate groups. Oh, but that’s the femi-nazis in government.

    • You know, I can never see “MRA” and not think at first that it’s a type of military ration. (And yes, I do know what it means.)

    • Ah, yes, the classic “both sides are bad, so vote Republican” argument.

    • FataMorganaPseudonym

      Except that they’re not, of course.

    • At no point was feminism mentioned. Frankly dissing MRAs isnt a strictly feminist thing to do and I have seen many people who I would consider anti-feminist insist they arent MRAs regularly.

    • You’re confusing MGTOW/Red Pill with MRA. MRA actually have legitimate issues that they work for whereas a lot of MGTOW and Red Pill are complaining about women, society, etc. MGTOW is to MRA what Andrea Dworkin is to feminism

    • I kinda cringed at the MRA line. I wouldn’t mind an MRA bashing joke if there were more feminist bashing jokes in some of the videos (though I think I do recall seeing one once). But I’ve heard Doug talk about some of this stuff and he seems pretty neutral about everything, which is something I really respect. Like for his Avatar movie review and how, I think it was in the commentary, he mentioned that both Katara and Sokka where shit on in that movie. As well as saying something like, he didn’t know if The Wicker Man was Anti-Feminist or Feminist, he just knew it was a bad movie. From what I’ve seen Doug’s pretty fair when it comes to this sort of stuff and that really does make me respect him a whole lot. It also makes me not take jokes like the MRA-joke too seriously.
      I mostly like the way Doug handles things, he doesn’t really alienate people.

      • MRAs and feminists would be bashed equally if they were equally ridiculous. Feminists are concerned about real problems while MRAs are just whining that men are getting slightly less privileged.

        • Like a scientist wearing a shirt that might hurt women’s feelings… Sure.

          Meanwhile, MRAs deal with trifling problems such as corrupt family court and divorce court laws, Higher sentencing rates for the same crime (%60 higher for men), male suicide (80% of all suicides), male homelessness (%85), male deaths in the workplace (%96).

          See, you should follow my example when cherry picking, at least I make it look good. 🙂

        • HAHAHAHAHAHA “Feminists are concerned about real problems” good one, LMAO

          • Hahaha, yeah, you’re right, feminists have no real problems to be concerned with. I mean…rape, domestic violence, reproductive rights, equal pay, representation in Congress and other arenas of influence…I mean, who cares about any of that stuff, right?

          • Women are not underrepresented in congress, they vote for their representatives, women even tend to turn out in higher numbers than men to vote. The gender wage gap is a myth, it is a silly lie that continues despite being constantly discredited. Those other issues do not solely affect women, they are not gendered. Who cares about that stuff? We all should, but it’s hard when others are told they can’t say anything about it because of their gender. Not that you said that, but that kind of thinking shows up a lot in feminist circles.

        • Man was arrested for manspreading AKA spreading his legs too far in public transportation.

          Also New York’s Anti-Manspreading Campaign Cost $76,707.

          Please say again that Feminists are NOT ridiculous. Go ahead.

          • Dude, on feminist sites and blogs, I’ve heard people laughing at the manspreading thing and calling it frivolous.

            And to be fair, the Metro Transit Authority ads didn’t exclusively target “manspreaders.” They also targeted some disruptive/intrusive activities that are often done by women — placing shopping bags in an adjacent seat and doing makeup on the train.

        • Oh and Man received sex act while blacked out, got accused of sexual assault later. Yeah, MRA have no reason to exist.

      • I remember when he was bashing internet-based social movements in another review.

        Like any comedian, he bash them as they tend to take themselves and their issues WAY to seriously, and get overly sensitive or outright hostile to those who mocks them or call them out on their logic. MRM/MRA folk are fair game do to this reason; they whine and cry about about everything and want to be treated like men. (That, and to most people, the idea of men fighting for the rights and equality of a demographic that has, for much of human history and even today in places, maintain greater power and authority over woman, its comedic in its irony.)

        Seriously, I first taught that they were made-up by 4chan, The Onion or something like that as a joke!

        • Actually, this is sort of the example of WHY the joke was so cringeworthy, it wasn’t even a good one, I’m all for MRA bashing, but at least make it something that they actually do/say, not resort to the biggest cliche in the book (hurr durr, virgins).

        • You are aware that in many countries woman raping men isnt acnowledged by law as rape? And that man might be forced to pay child support, even in he’s underage?
          Do you know that in France Men arent allowed paternity test and can be locked for year for trying?
          Do you know that male victims of domestic abuse got little to no help?
          Do you know that male circumcision is legal and female not?
          Do you know who makes majority of homeless?
          Do you know that prostate cancer research gets half money that breast cancer gets?

          • Those aren’t illegitimate grievances, but it’s so seldom that I see MRA’s speaking about this sort of thing or taking any action about it. And frankly, the death threats and hate speech that pour out of well-known MRA sites don’t help.

            (Re: the circumcision thing, I’d rather you didn’t compare the two. Female circumcision is infinitely more dangerous, painful, and debilitating than male circumcision. I think trying to ban male circumcision is valid, but to be medically accurate, I do not think it’s anywhere near as urgent as eradicating female circumcision.)

          • Each year in the United States more than 100 newborn baby boys die as a result of circumcision. Its still frigging important.

            Also do you know how often MRA tries to make meeting and raise awareness only to get threats from feminists? 3 times in Toronto university, once in doubletree hotel… Not to mention connecting people like Elliot Rodger to MRAs for no reason…

        • Also Man received sex act while blacked out, got accused of sexual assault later. Yeah, MRA are joke for sure.

      • Well, there was the Demolition Man review.

  21. Well, that was a rather…. pointless cameo. Why was that in there?

  22. I actually reviewed this movie a while ago. I gave it a high score but that was mainly due to the stunning visuals. Seriously, Jupiter Ascending provides gorgeous eye candy from time to time. I also love your theory on the reason why Eddie Redmayne’s acting was so bad in this movie! xD

    • MidnightScreeningsman2014

      That’s the only good thing good about the movie but I like how the critic pointed out that the line scene was paying homage I would have never knew that if he didn’t bring it up.

  23. WHAT?! THERE’S A HAPPY FEET KNOCK OFF!?

  24. The movie has flaws, sure, but the world-building is awesome. All the history, the pageantry, the politics, the technology… there isn’t any sci-fi setting that can match that.

    The plot is pretty spotty though, but it was heavily cut and recut before release, so I’m curious how it might have looked in its original form.

  25. THE CINEMATIC MIND

    Jesus! Eddie Redmayne nearly got Norbited at the Oscars because of this! Then again Julianne Moore on the other hand also could of happened to her with Seventh Son! Lucky Redmayne has the funniest way of saying go since the Pizza Owner in Spider-Man 2! GGGOOO!

  26. Wow… I knew at some point in the future the Critic would review this movie, but I didn’t know it would be this soon. XD

    For the most part, the movie has one thing good going for it: the special effects. It’s kind of sad when I want to own it just to make fun of it. Or put it on mute and come up with your own story for the film; it’s like a I less offensive version of Eight Crazy Nights in a realistic format.

    Thanks for reviewing this, Nostalgia Critic. (I just feel like thanking him for some reason. I don’t know why.)

  27. adamskiboy528491

    (At 4:07) That so called: “Bullshit language”, WAS NOT CREATED BY THE WACHOWSKIS!!!!!

    IT WAS CREATED BY THE AUTHOR DAVID MITCHELL (WHO’S A VERY TALENTED WRITER (BTW) & MADE A GODDAMN MASTERPIECE OF A NOVEL!)

  28. This is a marvelous disaster of a film from what I see. Thank you for reviewing this stinker! Clever skit with those over the top actors!

  29. I loved Jupiter Ascending and normally like The Nostalgia Critic. This review was weak to me, mainly because it largely consisted of weak criticism of the exposition (we get it – you think there was too much), deliberate misrepresentations and pointless and unwarranted comparisons. There are several specific factual errors/misrepresentations I have to point out:

    1. Doug completely ignores the fact that the film was having fun with itself with the “I love dogs” line. He shows Jupiter repeating the line to herself and groaning, but doesn’t seem to realise that that’s the film having fun with itself and being self-aware.
    2. Doug says the Balem encounter is a repeat of the Titus encounter, which isn’t true beyond the broad strokes. The differences between the encounters are what matter. Whereas Jupiter had no choice but to go along with Titus and naively believed what he told her, she is much more savvy with Balem and ultimately finds the courage to defy him even though it means condemning her family to death and herself to worse. That’s a huge difference and it’s a character defining moment, but there’s absolutely no acknowledgement of that in the review.
    3. Doug says that Jupiter was prepared to let everyone on Earth die to save her family, completely ignoring the subsequent scene that shows her realising that that’s too high a price to pay – ultimately, she refuses to sign because she realises that the Earth is more important than her family. Again, this is a character defining moment that’s completely ignored to paint a picture of an insipid and weak lead. This does the character and the film a disservice.

    There are more problems beyond that but I’m not going to write an essay here. I’m just saying that the review, like many others, misrepresents the film to push certain points and facilitate particular punchlines. If you need to distort a film in order to make fun of it, I don’t think you should bother

    • Except the self-awareness didn’t work because it’s not funny, it’s just awkward and weird.

      As for the character’s morals, recall that she doesn’t seem to care when TOLD that whole planets of innocent people are harvested. She acts like Earth is the only one that matters. I call that Anita Blake syndrome.

      • Yeah, gotta agree with you there.

        I could say she was still trying to figure out what she could do and how much authority she had before really getting involved but that would be me trying to save bad writing.

      • It didn’t work for you. I find it adorably goofy – the ‘romance’ was very self-consciously awkward, which I found quite refreshing for this kind of film.

        “As for the character’s morals, recall that she doesn’t seem to care when TOLD that whole planets of innocent people are harvested. She acts like Earth is the only one that matters.”

        That’s wrong. Her immediate reaction upon being told what RegneX is is to panic, drop the bottle and go into a state of extreme shock and disgust. She’s clearly appalled. That emotional response is then manipulated by Titus so he can persuade her to marry him. It’s also important to remember that Jupiter’s main reason for marrying Titus is his lie that she will be protecting the populations of his planets – planets that she knows nothing about – by doing so. In short, she cares deeply and finds the harvesting system as a whole disgusting.

      • Of course the Earth is the only one that matters; that is were she keeps all her stuff!

      • @EA Solinas Shh… I’m trying to forget Anita Blake exist. I loved Anita Blake back in the 90’s before Hamilton turned her into her SI and destroyed all of Anita’s good points. But I do kind of agree with you.

    • I created a account (long overdo) just to say I agree with you. Truthfully, I am not a fan of the film, but I am a bit angry with the critic on how he completely skipped and misinterpreted some of the scenes. Yes, I was disappointed in the film but I know there are some good moments in the film, which you pointed out. Can I also say that there were FREAKING SPACE DRAGONS!!! MUTHA FUK’N SPACE DRAGONS!!! Those guys were cool, but once again the film had so much in it that it never slowed down for us to get really involved. They wanted to show so much in one sitting. I mean, if you want something to stick, MAKE US CARE!

      I did enjoy the critic but this review was a bit biased…too biased. Come N. Critic, my main man; you can’t deny or misconceive the good things the film had. I wont lie, I think there were allot more cons than pros in this film, doesn’t mean I hate it.

      Can I also say I was getting a bit annoyed of the rip-off sidepot? Maybe its just the recent events in my life but I think we can believe that sometimes, you just have to let it go. When something you see looks cool and you want to recreate it, is it ripping off or being inspired? It’s a fine line that sometimes I get to the point that I just don’t give a shit if it was ‘ripped off’. As long as I know the original creator, I say go ahead and recreate things.

      I love ya N Critic and this was a fun review but not my fav. Understandably there was allot of stuff to cover and you tried to cover what you thought was necessary and I thank you once again for your hard work.

      One last nit-pick: The enemies didn’t always miss. That shield blocked allot of shots, showing the purpose of having one in the first place. You may know you fancy anti-gravity flying ballet kung fu, but someone is still gonna hit yeah. And I’ve seen those energy shield designs way before Star Wars Ep I.

    • I tend to agree with Nonsuch. Although I didn’t think Jupiter Ascending was a great movie, it was certainly enjoyable, and I would watch it again. Sure, it got annoying how many times Jupiter was rescued, but she was in WAY over her head, so that was realistic. She had no practical skills to deal with that sort of thing, and she didn’t always make the best decisions, but over the course of the movie she became much more active and assertive — it was quite a decent character arc. And although I wasn’t a huge fan of the male lead, I thought the romance was done okay. In danger situations, people do tend to misinterpret adrenaline-related emotions as romantic, which is why you have all of those is-it-fear-or-sexual-tension moments in movies. I didn’t find the male lead particularly attractive, but I can totally understand that she would, especially under the circumstances.

      There were some definite and purposeful humorous bits in Jupiter Ascending. I’ve heard some people say it’s a so-bad-it’s-good film, but I really don’t think that’s true: I didn’t laugh at funny bits because they were stupid (I loathe bad movies, actually); I laughed because they were funny, as they were intended to be. The heroine wasn’t suave and boring; she was flawed and realistic. And she wasn’t treated as a sex object, which was a tremendous relief. There were some bits to Jupiter Ascending that weren’t high quality, but there weren’t any boring bits. And that means a lot to me.

      Also, although Jupiter Ascending was inspired by other films, it was definitely it’s own beast. I can think of films with some similar themes, but I can’t think of a single one just like Jupiter Ascending. It was a breath of fresh air . . . unlike this review.

      I find lazy, one-note reviews tiring, especially when movies deserve better . . . which Jupiter Ascending did.

  30. Every time NC mentioned about “the ‘verse”, I suddenly blurt out “the NEGAverrse!!” ROFL (to those who don’t know, I referencing Sailor Moon….but that’s funny too considering that coincidently Voice actor played Sailor Jupiter made a cameo). Come to think of it, I feel like it is kinda like sailor moon. Girl reincarnation of Queen (or princess sailor something or other), tries to confront but is captured, acts stupid, etc.

    ……um……my perspective…..ugh…..

    • Victoria Heckman

      Is it just me, or is the Terry Gilliam cameo in this movie just as frustrating as the John Hurt cameo in “V for Vendetta”? You’ve got this well-accomplished person of his craft, and you’re just throwing him in for trivia-points.
      Speaking of which, who else would rather go watch “Brazil” and “1984” back-to-back as opposed to this movie?

    • SailorRustyBacon

      Only that you were referencing the DiC dub of Sailor Moon, whereas the Viz dub actress popped up. By the way, a lot of the voice actors from the DiC/Cloverway era are past their 50’s now!

      • I don’t know man, I’ve heard Amanda Miller talk about the DiC dub and she watched it all the time when it was on. Gives me the impression that she loved it. But yeah, I never watched the DiC dub, The Nostalgia’s Critic review of it didn’t really motivate me either… But I love the Viz dub and Amanda Miller’s portrayal! Wonderful surprise seeing her cameo this episode! … I actually got super excited…

    • MidnightScreeningsman2014

      You must be a real big fan of sailor moon then.

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