Top 11 Worst Movies the Nostalgia Critic Reviewed (2012)

The most painful films that Doug has ever had to sit through.

About Doug Walker

Creator of 5 Second Movies, Nostalgia Critic, Bum Reviews and more.

3 comments

  1. Dear Doug Walker: I’ve found someone who legitimately enjoys this movie. (Sadly) True story:

    I feel that the time has come, in my early-mid twenties, to admit that I was shown Garbage Pail Kids when I was 11 by my stepdad. My stepdad majored in Philosophy…so he was an asshole. The King of Douchelords. Anytime you felt accomplished at something, he’d knock you down. Having a good day? Fuck you, too. Did something nice for me? It wasn’t enough. Got a B+ after working through your deficit alone in math? Celebrate by leaving you behind at the store for 3 hours. You like to talk to and feed your stuffed animal, the only one you think ever listens or cares about you in this world? Let’s pretend to hang it by the neck on a belt outside of your door for a joke – what do you mean, you want to go to Counseling? Anyway: our parents were going through a nasty divorce, and I was suffering severe post-trauma from a previous event during that time. I’ll always remember the day he rented the VHS on the weekend, and gave it to me with this GIANT smile on his face.

    Being gullible and naive (and not understanding why he was laughing), I naturally believed that things were going wrong because it was my fault. Desperate to prove myself, I agreed to his challenge: “I found the perfect movie for you. Go watch this, you’re going to love it.” So I went to the basement TV – a very small piece of junk on a swivel stand w/ knobs that you had to get two feet away from to see – and played the movie. And I was confused. And disgusted. And horrified. But I FORCED myself to sit through it with my nose practically pressed to the glass, and when it was over, I had the worst headache of my life and felt nauseous (I have an incurable aversion to seeing people throw up or piss themselves, imagine that). My stepdad, laughing, asked me how I liked it, and again, to prevent him from leaving (and too scared to be impolite), told him that I really liked it and found it funny. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t hold out on his bargain by hanging out with me, and for once, I was okay with that, because all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and never wake up, and never watch another movie again. Ever. The entire experience was like choking down your own vomit from a tall glass while someone grins at you while punching you repeatedly in the head, saying, “Get to the bottom of the glass, and MAYBE I won’t leave your mother! :D”

    I apologize *profoundly* for that imagery. But as you’ve probably guessed, I did not grow up to be an entirely well-adjusted human being. (Fun fact: after this movie, I can’t drink grape-flavored drinks without getting gaggy and twitching, either – my throat was so dry after the “movie” that I went to reach for a glass of grape kool-aid, and without realizing it was his, knocked it back. I only realized he’d backwashed a thick mess on the SECOND sip. Christ. I apologize again.) GOOD NEWS THOUGH: you’re right, this movie IS forgettable. I forgot I’d even *seen* it until watching part of the review, and, am pleased to say that the dread and anxiety of reliving this bullshit was made a lot better by laughing at watching it being torn a new one. THANK YOU. Thank you a million times plus one more. I never thought I’d see the day. THANK YOU.

    So, in conclusion, giant assholes really like this movie BECAUSE it was intended to punish your child. It is the only movie I can think of known to man that actively *seeks out prey* when released within the target’s vicinity. It is abuse. I wouldn’t show it to my worst enemy. I wouldn’t show it to my wall. But your review has gotten me in touch with something close to the core of my psychoses, so if there’s ONE GOOD THING that came out of that movie, its that YOU would come around, many years later, to review it and make me realize what to do to get better. Thanks again – and sorry for the book.

    🙂

    • I totally understand what it’s like to have a shitty stepdad, and I so sorry you had to go through all that…but I have one question…what does his majoring in Philosophy have to do with him being an asshole?

  2. lily taylor was the lead for the haunting

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